Of The Past
by Kinkycurls
Summary: Saruhiko lays on his side in bed. He isn't wearing his glasses, but he doesn't need to because Misaki is laying right beside him, and his bed is so small that it's impossible for it to fit two. But it can because their legs are tangled beneath the sheets and they're so close their shoulders are touching.


_. I was supposed to write some domestic!Sarumi fics on my tumblr, but I got this plot bunny while I was bathing and I had to get this out! I hope you enjoy._

* * *

 _Title: Of The Past_

Saruhiko lays on his side in his bed. He isn't wearing his glasses, but he doesn't need to because Misaki is laying right beside him, and his bed is so small that it's impossible for it to fit two. But it can because their legs are tangled beneath the sheets and they're so close their shoulders are touching.

They're laying so close that Saruhiko can feel his body line up against Misaki's.

They're so close that Saruhiko can feel Misaki soft against his thigh.

They're both naked and Misaki is sleeping. He looks peaceful - beautiful even - and Saruhiko gently caresses his face with his knuckles.

Saruhiko likes this. He likes how they're naked but there's nothing sexual about it. He likes how he is so close to Misaki that he can see each individual eyelash that Misaki has. He likes how intimate this is, but it's a pure and innocent intimacy.

He knows Misaki would never do this with someone he didn't like.

He likes how Misaki is doing this with him.

Even though Misaki is too shy to express how he truly feels, and despite that fact that Saruhiko has never said anything as well, he likes how Misaki just _knows_ and lets Saruhiko hold him.

They're young and they've never even kissed, but Saruhiko enjoys this moment where they're both tired and exhausted from exams, weeks of laundry undone and with nothing to wear, comfortable enough to fall asleep next to each other like this. There's a certain trust between them, strong yet tender enough for them to melt into each other and it's warm, warm when they lay next to each other.

Saruhiko knows that it's not just body warmth, but it's warm in his chest too.

Saruhiko feels a little warmer when he realizes it's the same for Misaki as well.

 **.**

Saruhiko can't remember how they've gotten themselves into this situation. All he does recall is that they came tumbling through the door in a tangle of limbs and clothes.

There was a certain kind of urgency in Misaki's movements as he scrambled to grab on to him, that Saruhiko felt that something was seriously wrong.

But everything was happening fast, _so incredibly fast_ , that Saruhiko doesn't remember when his knees hit the bed or when his shirt had come off. He barely feels his pants being slid down, but what he does feel is a kiss through his underwear.

They've never done anything like this before, so it doesn't surprise Saruhiko that Misaki doesn't immediately remove all his layers of clothing. That, however, doesn't stop Misaki from bending down and licking at Saruhiko's length through the cotton.

Misaki nibbles at the base gently, lips planting open-mouthed kisses all along Saruhiko's length that has Saruhiko's muscles tensing at every little action.

Saruhiko's underwear is soaked, and not all of it is due to Misaki's mouth.

Misaki is nibbling at his sensitive spot, and Saruhiko wants to scream. Instead, he lets out a long sigh, trying to compose himself, but his toes still curl, his legs continue tremble, a hand gripping the sheets until his knuckles turn white, the other runs through Misaki's hair before grabbing the locks gently.

Misaki is going slow, shy like Saruhiko expected him to be, ministrations still done through the cloth of his underwear. But Saruhiko feels it, really _feels_ it, and every fibre in his body is screaming as hot pleasure shoots through him. He knows he won't last - he can't, not when it's with Misaki. It's not the other's warm mouth, his soft, wet tongue, or the hand that rubs him at the base, it's Misaki. It's Misaki that completely unfurls him, that utterly ruins and destroys him.

Only Misaki can do this to him, can cause his body to react like this, and Saruhiko comes with the thought.

His mind is a mess and his body feels weak. Saruhiko doesn't think he'll be able to stand for a while, not with his twitching legs and pleasure-numbed body. When he is able to stand, he heads to the bathroom with a "I'm going to shower" before closing the door behind him.

He takes enough time to compose himself, to regain his common sense, and there is enough time for his mind to come up with questions. Saruhiko is puzzled by what brought that on. He is aware of how he feels about Misaki, and how Misaki feels about him, but he never pegged Misaki as the type to do things like this easily. Hell, he _knew_ Misaki wasn't the type, and that signaled alarm bells inside Saruhiko's head.

When he gets out of the shower, Misaki is setting dinner on the table. Misaki turns, looking up at Saruhiko as the he steps out of the bathroom.

"I made egg soup," he says simply.

He has his usual energetic glow, his usual smile, and he smiles as though Saruhiko just got home from school and it's the first time Misaki's seen him all day.

Saruhiko's questions die in his throat.

 **.**

That was their first and only encounter. Misaki had never said anything about it, and Saruhiko had reluctantly let it be. There were days where he had wondered if it would happen again, moments where he thought it would, but it never did. That incident was like a note, tucked neatly behind a large stack of textbooks, never to be found and as a result, discarded.

A year has past since then, and Saruhiko isn't sure how Misaki feels about him anymore. There is an invisible wall between them, felt by no one other than him, and Saruhiko wonders if he is overthinking it.

Misaki has always been the kind to get easily embarrassed - even the thought of girls is enough to get him blushing and stuttering. It isn't unusual that he wouldn't bring up the topic. This is what Saruhiko likes to think, what he wants to believe.

He knows this is not the case.

Misaki is too straightforward. Flustered or not, he is not the kind to leave things hanging. He prefers to talk about how he feels, unlike Saruhiko who tends to bottle his own feelings up.

Saruhiko can feel this distance, and when Misaki finally says something one night over dinner, Saruhiko's stomach drops.

"Hey, Saru, we're friends, right?"

It's a question, and the fact that Misaki waited until he had swallowed his mouthfull of rice before speaking makes Saruhiko's stomach churn. Misaki is being cautious, _around him_.

Saruhiko assures him, of course, acting as though he doesn't sense Misaki's nervousness, appearing more interested in his rice bowl instead. He picks at the fish with his chopsticks, pretending to separate meat from bone, appearing idle while Misaki finds the words to continue when in reality there is this bubbling in his gut.

"I… kinda like someone an-" Misaki begins but is cut off by Saruhiko.

"And as your friend you wanted me to know?" Saruhiko drawls it out in a teasing tone, knowing he got it right when Misaki looks away indignantly.

Saruhiko could laugh at how predictable Misaki is, but there is a side of him that is anxious of who it could be. Saruhiko isn't sure if it's him anymore, so he feels the oncoming dread. But at the same time, he's stubborn, maybe a little selfish too, because he wants it to be him, still. He wants Misaki to surprise him, to confess first, to say that even after all this time the only one who can make Misaki's heart speed up so impossibly fast is Saruhiko (he is sure Misaki would describe it as such).

He waits, and in the full minute it takes for Misaki to get the words out, Saruhiko feels like all his skin has flaked away and regrown.

"I- The person is- I mean, Mikoto-san and I-"

Saruhiko's heard more than enough to understand.

There's one phrase that has Saruhiko's eye widening as it echoes in his head.

" _I mean, Mikoto-san and I"._

Rewind. Stop. Play.

" _I mean, Mikoto-san and I"._

Rewind. Stop. Play.

" _Mikoto-san and I"._

Saruhiko feels a rusty red bubble spread inside of him. His jaw is tight, his movements have halted, and he realized he's been a bit too quiet for a bit too long.

Before he can save himself, however, Misaki speaks up first.

"Sorry, it's weird, isn't it?"

Saruhiko blinks. Mikoto-san is their king. Saruhiko admits he admires Mikoto-san. The man is powerful, and despite his laid-back attitude, he is a good person. Mikoto-san had saved both him and Misaki when they caught up in Jungle's attack on HOMRA when he didn't have to. Saruhiko can definitely see why everyone at HOMRA holds a deep respect for their king.

Saruhiko isn't surprised that Mikoto-san is the one. Over the past year, Misaki has grown attached to everyone in the red clan. Misaki had always been a person who highly valued friendship, so it was to be expected that HOMRA would become family to him. Mikoto-san was their leader. Of course Misaki would look up to him the most, and along the way that admiration spiraled into admiration of a different kind. Saruhiko could understand that.

But more than his understanding of the situation, he felt a distaste on his palate. It's not that he didn't like Mikoto-san and the rest, but in truth, when Misaki puts distance between them like he as been, when he actually has to question their friendship like he did, even if it was only slightly, Saruhiko feels like he has lost somehow. He feels like he has been replaced.

He admits Misaki is clingy, which Saruhiko formerly found annoying, but he realized he has come to enjoy Misaki's attention. He likes how he is the first one Misaki tells when he gets excited about something, and he likes how Misaki never shuts up about things he is passionate about. He likes how straightforward Misaki can be, because he himself has never seen the point in tact. He likes it when they're watching tv shows and they end up trash talking about the characters together, and he likes it when Misaki accidentally dozes off and practically falls asleep on Saruhiko. He likes how Misaki suggested they rent a room together, and he likes the taste of Misaki's cooking, even if he adds pineapples into porridge. He likes the surprise he gets when Misaki completely understands something, and even when he doesn't understand at all, Saruhiko somehow finds it endearing.

I'm so fucked, he thinks, because even though Saruhiko wasn't the kind to say things like that, there was no other way he could think of to describe his situation.

He loves Misaki. Saruhiko knows he does.

But here Misaki is, telling Saruhiko about his crush on Mikoto-san, and no matter how much Saruhiko respects him, no matter how much he is intimidated by him, Saruhiko can't help the bitter jealousy that wells up within him.

He doesn't want Misaki to be taken away from him too.

So he does what he thinks will keep Misaki by his side, a simple "no" is enough for Misaki to break out into a huge, relaxed grin. It's a smile that says "thank God- thank God I haven't lost my friend", and Saruhiko is thinking the same thing, but for some reason he doesn't feel all that happy.

 **.**

A month has passed since then, and Saruhiko has started to grasp the meaning of Misaki no longer being his. There hasn't been much change - everyone is still nice, Misaki still hangs out with him when they aren't with the rest - but just _knowing_ leaves an empty feeling in his chest.

He is starting to fade, he knows. But he doesn't know what to do. He tries to spend time with everyone at bar HOMRA. He prefers to be around Misaki and Totsuka, the latter being quiet like himself. He watches him take videos of the rest, watches as Kusanagi keeps everyone in line, watches as Kamamoto gets into trouble with Misaki.

He doesn't dislike it, when they're here at the bar together. He's not used to so many people, or having other people care about what you're doing, but it's not a feeling he dislikes.

What he does dislike though, is how Misaki's back is always to him. Maybe it's his fault for choosing the corner seat, but he feels as though he is transparent, as though no matter how much he tries, he is surrounded by a dark cloud that separates him from the rest. It shrouds around him, and although he tries to run, it always catches up to him and grips him in it's palm.

Perhaps Misaki isn't going to be taken away - after all, Niki has died.

Perhaps Misaki is just leaving him behind.

 **.**

Whenever he sees Misaki, for just one second, Saruhiko feels as though he has died a thousand times and is reborn a thousand times again.

However, he is sure that no matter how many lives he is given, he will never be one step closer to Misaki's heart.

 **.**

But then, Saruhiko realizes, that love is not the only way into someone's heart. If Saruhiko had to come up with a way for Misaki to remember him, to rule every fibre of Misaki's being in the way that Misaki rules his, Saruhiko knows what he has to do.

It pains him to do it, to hurt Misaki like he's going to, to betray the friendship that he has always held so dear, but the ends justify the means. If it means that Misaki will look at him, _really_ look at him and never take his eyes off him, then Saruhiko doesn't mind being hated.

He's sick of it, sick of being in the background, sick of being treated as less important, sick of feeling like he has been pushed away and replaced. And if this is what he has to do to have Misaki's attention on him again, Saruhiko will gladly do it.

Saruhiko doesn't want Misaki to be taken away.

Saruhiko doesn't want to be left behind.

Saruhiko wants Misaki to watch him, and watch what he'll become.

 **.**

 _Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it. Feedback is appreciated c:_

 _My tumblr is .com if anyone is interested in reading short domestic!Sarumi fics. They'll (yes, there will be a few) by the end of next week!_

 _Thank you very much._


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